


Gulping Pain

by peopleinherearewaiting



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: (only briefly mention), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, there should be more fics about zari & sara's mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22352986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peopleinherearewaiting/pseuds/peopleinherearewaiting
Summary: “Gideon, status report, please,” Captain Lance requested while leaning back in her chair.“The ship is stable, Captain, and I haven’t registered any new anachronisms. However, I believe there is something that you should be aware of,” Gideon replied.“What is it, Gideon?” Sara asked.The AI seemed to pause for a second before replying. “Miss Tomaz appears to be trying to cause herself harm."--------------------Or, I'm dealing with my emotions by taking them out on fictional characters. Please read the tags!! Please don't read if this could trigger you. Writing doesn't come naturally to me, and dialogue even less so, so constructive criticism would be appreciated :)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from a quote "The finest souls are those who gulped pain and avoided making others taste its bitterness" from Arabic poetry.

“Gideon, status report, please,” Captain Lance requested while leaning back in her chair. It had been a long day of fighting Nazis in 18th century Norway and the whole crew were a bit worse for wear.

“The ship is stable, Captain, and I haven’t registered any new anachronisms. However, I believe there is something that you should be aware of,” Gideon replied.

“What is it, Gideon?” Sara asked.

The AI seemed to pause for a second before replying. “Miss Tomaz appears to be trying to cause herself harm. While she does not seem to be in life-threatening danger, she might benefit from a friend, Captain”.

Sara frowned. She never would have imagined her friend doing anything to harm herself deliberately, but as she thought more deeply, she realised that there had been signs before. She remembered Zari telling her about how she had tried to sacrifice herself to save the team twice while stuck in the time loop that Gideon had created. She remembered the pain that clouded Zari’s voice on the rare occasions when she mentioned her family.

Sighing, Sara rose to her feet and set off towards Zari’s bedroom, unsure of what she would find when she arrived.

The captain paused in the corridor for a second, wondering how to approach the situation. If she knocked and waited for Zari to invite her in, the dark-haired woman would have the chance to hide any evidence of what she was doing. But if she barged in unannounced, Zari would immediately become defensive.

Weighing her options, Sara realised she had no choice but to violate her friend’s privacy if she wanted to help her.

Holding her breath, the blonde hoped that Gideon had already bypassed the lock before pushing the door open. The sight that greeted her stopped her in her tracks.

Zari was sat on the floor in the corner of her room wearing shorts that left her thighs exposed. One hand was touching the pendant around her neck while the other was creating a continuous jet of air that kept a kitchen knife suspended above her thigh. In the second before she registered Sara’s intrusion, she looked almost bored as she watched the drops of blood running down her leg.

Looking up, her body jerked in surprise and the knife fell back onto her thigh. If it hurt, Zari barely reacted to it. She spent a few seconds desperately looking for something to cover the damage before the fight drained from her and she looked up at the captain with an expression of anger and distrust on her face.

“Captain, what are you doing here?” Zari asked, her voice low and icey.

Sara sighed. She knew from experience the feelings of fear and of being trapped that had to be coursing through Zari’s veins. She had to show Zari that she could relate and that she wanted to help her friend before she got shut out. 

Taking a deep breath, the captain took off her t-shirt and started to talk. She pointed at some of her biggest scars and detailed where they had come from. She pointed at a particularly long slash mark - “a hazard of training with the League”, at a circular scar just below her ribs - “first time being shot”, and at a thin, white line that was about an inch long - “an arrow, one of Oliver’s actually”. 

Zari looked confused. The Legends all knew about Sara’s past, and it had been hard to miss the scars when the former assassin trained in the gym or sparred on the mats. But she didn’t understand what Sara was trying to tell her now.

Then Sara shifted the waistband of her jeans near her hip to reveal a patch of white crisscrossing lines. Zari inhaled sharply. She was more than familiar with that pattern. Looking down at her thighs, she saw the same thing, only hers were a mixture of white and red where the new cuts sat on top of the old ones.

Sara smiled at her sadly as she said, “you’re not alone”.

Zari couldn’t stop the rush of emotions she felt as the captain spoke. The pain of what she was going through, the shame that she couldn’t cope, the panic at being found out, and the relief that it was Sara. 

She let her head hang as her body shook with sobs, not wanting to see the captain’s reaction as she broke, not wanting to see Sara’s face as she gave up the last little bit of her strong, careless attitude.

Sara breathed a sigh of relief. She had got through to her friend, and while she knew for herself how painful it was to break, it meant that Zari had the potential to start to rebuild again. And the captain didn’t plan on leaving her to figure it out for herself.

Walking over to her friend, Sara slid down the wall until she was sitting next to her. She slowly reached for the bloody knife on the floor and moved it to her other side, away from Zari. She didn’t think her friend would try anything with her sat right there, but she wanted to avoid any accidents.

Being mindful not to startle her friend in her hunched-over state, Sara quickly assessed the damage to Zari’s leg. The fresh cuts didn’t appear to be too deep, but they were still spilling blood. What worried her most was the number of older cuts in shades ranging from almost white to pink. She would have to have a conversation with Gideon about how the AI had missed this before. And she would likely end up thinking about how she had missed the signs before herself. 

Knowing that there was no chance of getting the dark-haired girl to the medbay in this state, Sara reached for a towel on the floor. 

“Zari, I’m sorry cos this is going to hurt, but I need to make the bleeding stop”, Sara warned before gently pressing the towel against her thigh.

Zari’s breath hitched slightly as Sara positioned the towel and applied pressure and she lifted her head briefly to look at Sara’s hands before looking away again. Sara could feel the shame at having to be taken care of radiating off of her friend.

“Zari, look at me,” Sara asked softly. Zari shook her head, her face buried against her shoulder.

“Please,” Sara pressed. Zari slowly lifted her head again and looked over at the captain, although she avoided meeting her eyes.

“It will get better,” Sara promised. “Maybe not now, maybe not for a while. But eventually you’ll start to heal and I will help you through it for as long as you’ll let me. I’m so sorry that you’ve been dealing with this on your own up until now, I should have realised earlier, but I’m here now.”

A tear slid down Zari’s cheek. She had felt so alone on the Waverider, thinking that the happy-go-lucky team wouldn’t understand her pain. But of course Sara Lance would get it. She had just been too caught up in her pain to realise.

“Thank you,” she whispered, her throat dry and scratchy from crying. There wasn’t anything else she could think to say now. But there would be time later.

“If I help you, do you think you could stand?” Sara asked. “The bleeding is stopping but I want Gideon to check you over to be on the safe side.”

Zari’s eyes widened slightly, her breathing quickening. She opened her mouth to protest before Sara reassured her.

“Don’t worry, we can have Gideon check that the corridors are clear before we leave your room. This can stay between you and me for as long as you want. I won’t tell anyone.”

Zari sighed and nodded slightly, giving in to the captain’s request. Pressing her hand against the wall, she tried to push herself up but had to stop as dizziness from the crying and the blood loss hit her. Sara knelt and placed Zari’s arms around her shoulders before lifting them both off the floor. Once Zari was upright, she felt a bit steadier, although she quickly realised that she couldn’t put much pressure on her injured leg. Sara shifted slightly, taking more of Zari’s weight to compensate. When Gideon gave them the all-clear, the two women set off towards the med bay.

As soon as they arrived, Sara settled Zari in the chair and sealed the door to stop any of the team from wandering in. 

“Gideon, can you give Zari a full body scan?” Sara requests. Seeing Zari’s frown, she reassures her, “it’s just to be safe and for my own peace of mind. Is that okay?” As soon as Zari nodded, Gideon started the scan.

“Now, while Gideon’s running the scan, can you tell me what’s been going on? I can see that you’ve been struggling for a while and I just want to understand so I can help you as best as I can.” Sara immediately noticed the quickening of Zari’s breathing and took her hand to calm her. “Hey, you can say as much or as little as you want. Take your time, there’s no pressure, okay?”

Zari exhaled, comforted by the warmth of her friend’s hand in her own. She took a second to gather her thoughts before speaking slowly, “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel like this. Ever since I was a teenager, even before I lost my family, I felt broken. Like something inside of me was missing. I learned pretty quickly how to block out the pain, but every so often I would slip up and the pain felt like it was consuming me. And then when I lost my family in 2042, I had nothing left. I fought with the resistance for a while, tried to get revenge against ARGUS. But eventually revenge wasn’t a good enough reason to live. I started to get careless. I let ARGUS capture me, and I wouldn’t have cared if they killed me. I wanted them to do it.”

Sara’s face flickered with recognition. In her early days with the League, she had deliberately broken rules in the hope that they would give up on her and put her out of her misery as well.

Zari paused to take a shuddering breath and Sara squeezed her hand slightly. 

“You’re doing so well, Zari, I’m so proud of you,” she whispered.

Zari smiled ever so slightly; the captain’s praise felt warm and comforting.

“Not long after that,” she continued, “the Legends arrived and my life changed. Suddenly I had a home again, and after a few weeks, and Gideon’s simulation, I came to see you all as my family. But I still felt so alone. The Legends are such positive people and I still hurt all the time. It should have stopped. I should have gotten better. I still felt the same as before, but I started to feel guilty about it. I convinced myself that if I told anyone, you would think I was ungrateful or over-exaggerating. In Gideon’s simulation, I tried to sacrifice myself for the team twice. I did it because I love you guys, but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of it as an easy way out.”

Reminded of what had happened to Zari in the time loop, Sara glared slightly at the ceiling and made a mental note to review Gideon’s mental health protocols, if such things even existed. The AI should be helping the Legends, not worsening their problems.

“I’ve been doing everything right. I’ve been trying to go easy on myself, I’ve got friends. Hell, I get to time travel. But nothing seems to work. And all it takes is a scene in a TV show, or a racist comment from a Nazi, or nothing at all to send me spiraling again. And I just want it to stop.” The dark-haired woman heaved a shaking breath before asking, “how did you make it stop, Sara?”

The blonde was using all of her strength to keep her facial expression neutral as her friend told her everything for the first time. She thought about Zari’s question for a minute before replying, “it doesn’t stop. Not really. But you can learn to manage it, and Gideon and I can help you. You won’t feel this way forever. When I first joined the Waverider, I felt broken, too. I’d lost my sister, I felt guilty about my past. I still do, it’s something I deal with everyday. But Gideon helped me. She created a programme of EMDR therapy for my PTSD and sometimes I use simulations to play out my negative thoughts so I can see that they’re not so bad. But we can figure out what works for you slowly. There’s no rush, and it can be trial and error to figure out what would be best. Isn’t that right, Gideon?”

“Quite right, Captain,” the AI replied. “And, if you’re both ready, I have the results of Miss Tomaz’s scan.”

Sara glanced across at Zari, who nodded slightly, before she said, “let’s have them, Gideon”.

“Very well, Captain. There is no significant damage to Miss Tomaz’s leg. I can heal the cuts in a few minutes. However, I did notice a slight thickness to the anterior cingulate cortex of Miss Tomaz’s brain, one of the areas linked to emotion. This would correlate with the evident depression that Miss Tomaz is experiencing.”

A tear rolled down Zari’s cheek as she heard Gideon confirm that her experiences weren’t just in her imagination. Sara stayed quiet, waiting for her friend to decide what she wanted to happen next. Zari thought for a minute before nervously asking, “Sara, can you go back to my room and get rid of anything sharp while Gideon fixes my leg?”

Sara smiled and leaned over to pull her friend into a hug. “I am so incredibly proud of you,” she whispered before pulling away.

Once Sara had left the medbay, Gideon spoke. 

“Miss Tomaz, I would like to apologise for putting you in that simulation. I see now that it wasn’t the right way to handle the situation. I want you to know that I will help you in any way that I can.”

Zari nodded. “Thanks, Gideon. Do you think you could start by helping me sleep tonight? It’s been a long time since I slept for more than four hours.”

“Certainly, Miss Tomaz. Just tell me when you’re ready later and I’ll help,” the AI replied.

Just then, Sara arrived back in the medbay. “Your room is clear, do you want to go back now?” the captain asked.

Zari nodded, feeling the emotion of the last couple of hours weighing on her.

“I think I should go to bed, I feel exhausted now,” she said.

“I’ll walk you back,” the captain offered, looping her arm through Zari’s again.

Zari smiled and leaned into Sara’s side slightly as they walked back down the corridor.

“I’m glad you found me, Captain. Your help means a lot to me,” she said, ducking her head.

“Zari, you know I would help you in any way I can, right?” Sara replied. “As you said to me once, ‘none of us can do this alone’. You don’t have to feel alone anymore.”

The two women had reached Zari’s room again, and Zari pulled the blonde into a strong hug before going in. 

“Goodnight, Captain,” Zari whispered.

Sara smiled. “Goodnight, Zari.”

When Zari had finished getting ready for bed, she lay down and stared at the ceiling. “Gideon,” she sighed. “Do your thing.”

“Of course, Miss Tomaz,” Gideon replied. And then she was asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

A few weeks had passed since Sara had found her friend on her bedroom floor with blood covering her legs and a knife hovering in the air. Since then, the Captain had stayed true to her word to keep an eye on Zari. She came up with excuses for Zari to stay on the ship during missions, ranging from running comms to doing repairs. So far, the rest of the team didn’t seem suspicious.

In truth, Sara was really proud of how Zari was doing. She was working with Gideon to treat her depression and she was answering Sara’s daily “how are you?” checks honestly. The blonde could see that Zari was still struggling. She had kept her feelings bottled up for so long and she had a long road to recovery ahead of her.

Despite the progress she had made, Sara continued to keep a close eye on her friend, watching to see if she was getting overwhelmed again. In the past few days, she had started to notice that Zari was acting strangely, but it didn’t seem to be related to her depression. Several times while she had been hanging out in the kitchen with Ava, Sara had noticed Zari watching them thoughtfully. And whenever Charlie directed her teasing, flirtatious remarks at Zari, the dark-haired woman had been blushing and looking away nervously, rather than shooting a witty comeback at her as she normally did.

As Sara sat in her office late that evening nursing a glass of whisky, she couldn’t decide if she should confront Zari about her uneasy behaviour to see if there was a way for her to help or if she should just let Zari come to her when she felt ready to discuss it. She was in such deep thought that the sudden interruption of Gideon’s voice made her jump.

“Captain,” Gideon said, “Ms Tomaz’s vitals suggest she might be having an anxiety attack.” 

Well, that made her decision easier.

“Thank you, Gideon,” Sara replied, setting her glass down and rising from her chair. She hurried down the corridor to her friend’s room, pausing to knock at the door before letting herself in. As she entered the room, she quickly surveyed the scene in front of her, feeling relieved to see that there was no evidence of Zari harming herself in any way. Sara took a breath before walking over to the bed where Zari was sat, her knees pulled up against her chest and her face hidden by her dark hair. 

“Zari, it’s Sara,” the captain announced calmly before sitting down gently on the bed. She could see Zari’s shoulders shaking as her breath came out in short, panicked gasps. “Can you look at me, Zari?” she requested. Slowly, Zari’s head lifted from where she had been resting it on her knees. Even though she struggled to look directly at Sara, the blonde could still see the pain in her eyes, and practically feel the panic rolling off her body in waves. “Can I take your hand?” she asked, waiting for a nod of permission before shifting closer to her friend and taking one of her hands in her own. She brought Zari’s fingers to rest on her pulse point on her wrist, making sure Zari could feel the steady thrum of her heartbeat beneath her skin. “Focus on my pulse and take deep breaths with me,” she instructed gently, slowly inhaling and exhaling in an exaggerated way that Zari could copy. After a few minutes sat facing each other, Zari’s breathing regulated as the panic subsided.

“Thank you,” Zari whispered, her shoulders slumping with the exhaustion that comes with so much emotion.

“Anytime,” Sara promised, moving Zari’s hand from her wrist so she could hold it in her own. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, hoping that her friend might let her help with whatever was causing her so much pain.

“I want to,” Zari replied, “but my thoughts are so jumbled and I can’t get them organised. Can we just sit for a while? I will tell you, I just don’t know how, yet.” 

“Of course,” Sara replied, squeezing Zari’s hand gently. “Do you want to put some music on? That always seems to help me when I need to clear my head.”

“Do you mind if I have Gideon play a recitation of the Quran? It helps me feel close to my family,” she said hesitantly, unused to sharing that intimacy with her friends.

"Go for it," Sara replied, leaning back against the bedroom wall and pulling Zari with her. She let her eyes drift closed as a melodic voice filled the room. She felt a twinge of emotion at hearing Arabic again. It had been so long since she'd spoken the modern version of the language and yet she could still understand most of what she was hearing. Perhaps she should start practising again.

Beside her, Zari sighed deeply, the mattress moving as she relaxed. "This is Surah an-Nisā’," Zari said after a moment. 

"Chapter of the Women," Sara translated, her eyes still closed.

Zari looked over at her, her eyes wide with surprise. "You speak Arabic?" she asked. "How did I not know this?" 

Sara chuckled as she glanced over and saw her friend's bewildered expression. "We spoke Arabic in the League," she explained. "It's been a long time since I've used it but it seems I've still got most of it."

"So can you understand this recitation?" Zari asked curiously.

"Mostly, yeah, although I'm used to hearing it spoken angrily and sharply so it's different hearing it being spoken melodically." Her thoughts drifted slightly to the only person who had spoken gently to her in Arabic. But Nyssa was part of a past life and Sara preferred not to dwell too much on the past.

"That's so cool," Zari replied, jealousy colouring her voice slightly. "Growing up, I spoke with my family in Fārsi since we're from Iran. As well as learning English, my mom made me and Behrad study the Quran in the original ancient Arabic. I'm so glad I did it looking back, but I wasn't very enthusiastic as a kid."

Sara chuckled. “I bet you were a really stubborn kid, weren’t you?” she asked. “I imagine we could have been friends if I knew you back then.”

Zari smiled, trying to imagine Sara as a kid and what they would have gotten up to together. “Yeah, I was a bit of a pain in the ass to my parents. Everything changed, of course, when we moved to the US. Being difficult could have gotten my family in trouble with the government.” Her smile slipped as memories from the future came rushing back. The pair drifted back into silence as the soothing Arabic verses continued to flow from the overhead speakers.

After a few minutes of quiet contemplation, Zari sighed and started to speak. “Working with Gideon recently has really helped me to clear my head and make it easier to think. I thought that once that happened, my problems would be solved, but it turns out that actually my mind’s clear enough to realise and think over things I didn’t have the headspace to consider before.” She paused for a moment, apparently building up to what she really needed to say. In the end, she chose to just breathe it all out in one go. “I think I’m gay.”

Sara sat for a second, letting the words hang in the air between them as she took them in. Then she turned to Zari, nudging her side slightly with her elbow.

“Welcome to the club,” she said, smiling gently.

Zari smiled back, rubbing a hand over her eyes in relief at having finally said the words out loud. After a while, she continued.

“I know that obviously you’re bi and Ava’s gay, and pretty much everyone on this ship is queer but my upbringing in Iran and then in a dystopian police-state meant in all got repressed for a long while. I’ve been trying to reconcile it with my beliefs and my memories but I think I’m getting there.”

“And I’m so proud of you,” Sara replied. “It took me a while to figure out and I grew up in Star City. If you ever want to talk to me, or to Ava, then we’re always here for you.”

All of a sudden, Zari twisted round and pulled Sara into a side-hug for a few seconds before letting go and looking away again. “Thanks, Cap,” she replied, her voice thick with emotion.

Sara smiled at her friend’s unexpected display of emotion as she closed her eyes again and focused back in on the lilting voice coming from the speakers. The more she listened, the more she appreciated what she was hearing. Not only was the recitation perfect for relaxing into a meditative state, but the words were often uplifting and encouraging, speaking of living a good and just life. 

“You weren’t put on Earth to be remembered. You were put here to prepare for eternity.” Sara whispered the line’s translation to herself, recalling Rip Hunter’s words the first time they met: ‘you aren’t just considered heroes; you’re legends’. After all this time, she was starting to realise that being a legend wasn’t important to her. She just wanted to live her life well with her family by her side. And maybe kick a bit of ass while she was at it.

“I’ve thought about that line a lot recently,” Zari said, voice quiet in contemplation. “I’d never expected to be remembered particularly when I’m gone, and that’s never bothered me. But now I’m trying to live fully so that my family will be proud of me when I finally see them again. They would want me to live a good life.”

Sara smiled gently as she felt Zari’s words resonate inside her. She often wondered if her sister was proud of her as she watched on from above.

“You really are incredible, Zari,” she said, resisting the urge to bear hug her friend so as to avoid overwhelming her. “After everything you’ve been through, you’re still trying to be as good as you can.”

Zari released a breath, shaking her head slightly at the words of praise. “I’ve got Allah guiding me and my friends by my side. It’s slowly getting easier to untangle my thoughts.”

Sara huffed slightly, poking Zari in the side. “I know you,” she said, “and I know you won’t take any credit for your own progress, but I see it. Now,” she said, turning to face Zari with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, “you like girls, huh? Got your eye on anyone in particular?”

Zari groaned and buried her head in her hands, but not before Sara saw the dark pink blush that coloured her cheeks.

“No way, you totally do!” Sara said excitedly, laughing as Zari continued to make pained sounds without lifting her head. “You don’t  _ have _ to tell me,” she relented, “but I’m a very good listener and I am the captain of this ship so if there are any time periods you want to revisit…” She trailed off, waiting to see if her pestering would have any effect. She ran through the historical figures they had seen recently, but none particularly stuck out. Then another thought hit her. “But then again,” she tried, “maybe I should look closer to home, perhaps at a certain trouble-making shapeshifter?”

Zari squeaked and let herself collapse dramatically into a ball on the bed, face still covered by her hands.

Sara burst into laughter at her friend’s comical antics as she poked the grumbling ball with her foot. “I don’t know how I missed it,” she chuckled, “I knew you were reacting differently to her flirting recently!”

“Yeah, just keep rubbing it in, why don’t you?” Zari groaned, finally lifting her head up to look at Sara with a small smile on her face. “She pisses me off so much and yet I can’t stop thinking about her.” She caught the look of amusement on Sara’s face and jumped in before she could make any more teasing comments. “Don’t start or I’ll tell Ava you’re bullying me.” She pouted slightly and glared for effect as Sara dramatically pressed a hand to her chest.

“You’d betray me like that? You wouldn’t,” she replied grinning as they bantered back and forth for a while. “But seriously,” she added, “Charlie would be lucky to have you. And my assassin’s instinct tells me she feels similarly about you.”

Zari chuckled. “I’m not even going to touch ‘assassin’s instinct’,” she said, “and Charlie flirts with everyone. She probably just sees me as a friend.”

“Well,” Sara replied, “I could go back and forth debating with you all day, but I think the best thing to do would be to just ask her.”

“Yeah, you’re right, Cap,” Zari said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I think I’ve still got some working out to do first, but I’ll maybe have a go at that when I’m ready.”

“The timeframe is completely up to you,” Sara said. “And I’ll be rooting for you no matter what.”

Zari laughed again, rolling out of the way to avoid retaliatory kicks as she replied, “thanks,  _ mom _ .”

“Ugh, I honestly can’t deal with you children,” Sara huffed, flopping down on her back next to Zari and reaching out to intertwine their fingers as they let their minds drift to the sound of gentle Arabic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I'm not Muslim so if there are any inaccuracies in this then please let me know! I just really love that the show includes references to her religion so I wanted to do the same here :)


End file.
